A running list of coffee quotes. Why? Because coffee is awesome.

(LAST UPDATE: 1/24/17)

"My most pressing issue is the need for a cup of American coffee." - The Young Pope

"I think I'm going to need more caffeine to survive the day." - Mr. Robot

“I went out the kitchen to make coffee - yards of coffee. Rich, strong, bitter, boiling hot, ruthless, depraved. The life blood of tired men.” ― Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye

"Mondays are for coffee and contemplation." - Jim Hopper, Stranger Things

“Coffee is a beautiful thing.” - Mike Scioscia

You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!" - Good Will Hunting

“Coffee is far more than a beverage. It is an invitation to life, disguised as a cup of warm liquid. It's a trumpet wakeup call or a gentle rousing hand on your shoulder ... Coffee is an experience, an offer, a rite of passage, a good excuse to get together.” ― Nichole Johnson

“It's the fine balance of caffeine and alcohol that bookends my days” ― Tim Minchin

“Bob poured and brought two cups over, hardly rattling them on the saucers. "Drink up. This should restore your inner bitch." Bailey scowled at him. "See?" he said. "It's working already, and all you've had is fumes.” ― Mark All, Mystic Witch

“I like coffee exceedingly...” ― H.P. Lovecraft

“Somehow, the Good Lord don't want to see no man start a cold morning with just black coffee.” ― Robert Newton Peck, A Day No Pigs Would Die

"Harry, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it; don't wait for it; just let it happen. It could be a new shirt in a men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot, black, coffee." - Dale Cooper

“I decide to turn to my old faithful solution to all that is wrong in life. Coffee.” ― Lisa Renee Jones, If I Were You

"Did you put enough coffee in that sugar?" - Tim Taylor, Home Improvement

"Coffee was a food in that house, not a drink." - Patricia Hampl

“Good. Coffee is good for you. It's the caffeine in it. Caffeine, we are here. Caffeine puts a man on his horse and a woman in her grave.” ― Ernest Hemingway

“Is there any time in your life when you do not feel the need for caffeine?"
"Sure. Sometimes I'm asleep.”― Seanan McGuire, Chimes at Midnight

"Oh yes, I'd love some coffee." - Tyrell Wellick, Mr. Robot

Jerry: (to waitress) I'll just have a cup of coffee.
Jeannie: Bowl of Corn flakes.
Jerry: More cereal? That's your third bowl today. You had it for breakfast and lunch.
Jeannie: Hey! So what's the deal with brunch? I mean that if it's a combination of breakfast and lunch. How comes there's no lupper or no linner? - Seinfeld, "The Invitations"

"Thank you for your coffee, monsieur. I shall miss that when I leave Casablanca." -Casablanca

“...and my coffee is Blue Mountain and I drink it black, which is unusual for a teenage girl, but it's definitely the way good coffee should be drunk if you have any respect for the bitter beans.” ― Ruth Ozeki, A Tale for the Time Being

“You wanna-I dunno-get coffee or something sometime?"
Justin smiled "Not coffee. But yes."
"Not Coffee it is, then."
"Yes, Not Coffee.” ― David Levithan, How They Met, and Other Stories

"I walked into a Starbucks about a year ago, little kid behind the counter. I go, "Yeah, give me a regular." "A regular what?" "Coffee." "What flavor?" "Coffee-flavored coffee." I'll stick that menu right up your ass, kid! Menu... coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup, that's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup, that's it!" - Denis Leary

“We look up to see if it is day or night. If stars burn cool and moon does shine, we take to smoke divine and wine. 
If breath of sun does belch its heat, 
we boil coffee and prepare to eat.” ― Roman Payne

Jerry: Where do you want to go?
Elaine: I don't care, I'm not hungry.
Jerry: We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
Elaine: What are we gonna do there? Talk?
Jerry: We can talk.
Elaine: I'll go if I don't have to talk. - Seinfeld, "The Male Unbonding"

"Drink some coffee. It'll wake you up." - Goodfellas

That’s what I do: I make coffee and occasionally succumb to suicidal nihilism. But you shouldn’t worry — poetry is still first. Cigarettes and alcohol follow.” ― Anne Sexton

"There was shish-kabob for lunch, huge, savory hunks of spitted meat sizzling like the devil over charcoal after marinating seventy-two hours in a secret mixture Milo had stolen from a crooked trader in the Levant, served with Iranian rice and asparagus tips Parmesan, followed by cherries jubilee for dessert and then steaming cups of fresh coffee with Benedictine and brandy." — Joseph Heller, Catch-22

“Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.” ― Terry Pratchett, Thud!

“When my coffee is gone, so is my motivation.” ― Jarod Kintz

English Dave: Hang back for a second or two, and when you see the white boy leave, go on over.  In the meanwhile, can I make you an espresso?

Vincent Vega: How 'bout a cup of just plain ol' American? - Pulp Fiction

“We all know how it went when Europe changed from a culture addicted to depressants to one high on stimulants [...] Within two hundred years of Europe's first cup, famine and the plague were historical footnotes. Governments became more democratic, slavery vanished, and the standards of living and literacy went through the roof. War became less frequent and more horrible.” ― Stewart Lee Allen

“I sipped my own coffee, heavy on the sugar and cream, trying to make up for the late work the night before. Caffeine and sugar, the two basic food groups.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton, Cerulean Sins

"Nah, fuck that. You finish the pot, you start another." - Herc

“As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Drink your coffee, it clears out the brain in the morning” ― Sergei Lukyanenko, Twilight Watch

“Mercy," he mumbled. "What the hell did you do to my French Roast?” ― Patricia Briggs, Moon Called

Kramer: You can't put a limit on my cafe lattes, it says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when I come in here. If I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have problems I'm gonnna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down ehre and  you're gonna be in really big trouble. - Seinfeld, "The Maestro"

"I am a coffee drinker. I didn't have mine this morning and I was just feeling it, so I just had to get some coffee into me." – Serena Williams

“But Shakespeare never drank coffee. Nor did Julius Caesar, or Socrates. Alexander the Great conquered half the world without even a cafĂ© latte to perk him up. The pyramids were designed and constructed without a whiff of a sniff of caffeine. Coffee was introduced to Europe only in 1615. The achievements of antiquity are quite enough to cow the modern human, but when you realize that they did it all without caffeine it becomes almost unbearable.” ― Mark Forsyth

“i don't know. i don't care. all i know is when you pay for something that's supposed to give you a cup of coffee, you deserve to get your fucking cup of coffee.” ― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

"There's only two things in this world that a real man needs: a cup of coffee and a good smoke." - Johnny Guitar

“Coffee and chocolate—the inventor of mocha should be sainted.” ― Cherise Sinclair, Hour of the Lion

“The sun was already long past the spire when Garrick purchased a mug of coffee from his regular man on the tip of Oxford Street. But his palate had been educated by 21st century coffee, and he judged this mug as bilge water not fit for the Irish.” ― Eoin Colfer, The Reluctant Assassin

"I went to Lila for answers, but now all I have is more questions. Who am I? What do I need? What do I want?… Coffee… I really want a cup of coffee." - Dexter

"Put. That coffee. Down. Coffee's for closers only." - Glengarry Glen Ross

“Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.” – David Letterman

“We look up to see if it is day or night. If stars burn cool and moon does shine, we take to smoke divine and wine. 
If breath of sun does belch its heat, we boil coffee and prepare to eat.” ― Roman Payne

"Coffee leads men to trifle away their time, scald their chops, and spend their money, all for a little base, black, thick, nasty, bitter, stinking nauseous puddle water." - The Women's Petition Against Coffee (1674)

“What the hell makes you smart?" I asked.
"I wouldn't go for coffee with you."
"Listen - I wouldn't ask you."
"That," she replied, "is what makes you stupid.” ― Erich Segal, Love Story

“The powers of a man's mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.” ― James Mackintosh

“Getting shot was an experience that Elise ranked on the “unpleasantness” scale right around “trying to survive a week without coffee.” ― S.M. Reine, Sacrificed in Shadow

“Sometimes, they just make coffee cups too small.” ― Michelle M. Pill

“I move out here, and next thing I know I’m 25, and the only thing I’ve heard is, ‘Can you get a coffee, can you hurry up with the thing, blah blah blah.’ It was nice doing something and hearing someone go, ‘Hey, you’re good at this.’” – Bill Hader

“I snatched up the cardboard cup, plastered my lips to the plastic sippy-lid and sucked down a scalding hot mouthful. It burned, but I didn’t give a damn. I held the cup to my chest as if it were my most special friend while feeling the instant affect the coffee had on my mood and I smiled." ― Ethan Day, Life in Fusion

“Coffee is a warm drink that fosters friendship and tastes great. What more is there to life?”― Kevin Sinnott, The Art and Craft of Coffee: An Enthusiast's Guide to Selecting, Roasting, and Brewing Exquisite Coffee

"Never say no to coffee." - Caesar

“There were some problems only coffee and ice cream could fix.” ― Amal El-Mohtar

Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing, what's all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it, Mr Coffee. Care for some?
Dark Helmet: Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that. - Spaceballs

"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake." - Lewis Black

"Breakfast is a personal ritual that can only be properly observed alone, and in a spirit of genuine excess. The food factor should always be massive: four Bloody Marys, two grapefruits, a pot of coffee, Rangoon crepes, a half-pound of either sausage, bacon, or corned beef hash with diced chiles, a Spanish omelette or eggs Benedict, a quart of milk, a chopped lemon for random seasoning, and something like a slice of Key lime pie, two margaritas, and six lines of the best cocaine for dessert." - Hunter S. Thompson

“Police work wouldn't be possible without coffee," Wallander said.
"No work would be possible without coffee."
They pondered the importance of coffee in silence.” ― Henning Mankell, One Step Behind

"Way down among Brazilians/
Coffee beans grow by the billions/
So they've got to find those extra cups to fill/
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil" - Frank Sinatra, The Coffee Song

“You’ll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things.” ― Jamie Tworkowski

"I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism." - Abigail Reynolds, Pemberley by the Sea

Duke:  Apollo, you oughta come seethis boy you're gonna fight onTV -- looks like he means business.
Apollo Creed: I mean business, too -- The gross rental of the arena is gonna include the four hundred ushers, right? -- Gimme some coffee. - Rocky

"Give a frontiersman coffee and tobacco, and he will endure any privation, suffer any hardship, but let him be without these two necessaries of the woods, and he becomes irresolute and murmuring." - U.S. Army Lt. William Whiting, 1849

“It’s not that we have to quit this life one day, it’s how many things we have to quit all at once: holding hands, hotel rooms, music, the physics of falling leaves, vanilla and jasmine, poppies, smiling, anthills, the color of the sky, coffee and cashmere, literature, sparks and subway trains... If only one could leave this life slowly!” ― Roman Payne, Hope and Despair

“That's something that annoys the hell out of me- I mean if somebody says the coffee's all ready and it isn't” ― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

"None of this seems to be related to coffee." - Stan, Mad Men

“I don’t know, man. Look at me. I’ve changed. I’ve grown up. I’ve got a job, got a career … I drink coffee now.” – Bret, Flight of the Conchords 

"You’re not one of those people who name their cars and coffee mugs, are you? It’s an inanimate object. Get over it.” ― Susan Ee, Angelfall

“We drank our coffee the Russian way. That is to say we had vodka before it and vodka 

"I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done." - Jerry Seinfeld

“A smoke, a book, a cup of coffee. These are the little things that get us through this sometimes weary world and all the rainy days.” ― R.M. Engelhardt

“This coffee falls into your stomach, and straightway there is a general commotion. Ideas begin to move like the battalions of the Grand Army of the battlefield, and the battle takes place. Things remembered arrive at full gallop, ensuing to the wind. The light cavalry of comparisons deliver a magnificent deploying charge, the artillery of logic hurry up with their train and ammunition, the shafts of with start up like sharpshooters. Similes arise, the paper is covered with ink; for the struggle commences and is concluded with torrents of black water, just as a battle with powder.” ― HonorĂ© de Balzac

“A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don't later fray.” ― Marcia Carrington

"...and a pot of coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter and preferably fair trade." Krieger, Archer

"We met at Starbucks. Not at the same Starbucks, but we saw each other at different Starbucks across the street from each other." - Meg Swan, Best in Show

“I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.” ― Gary Larson

"There are three intolerable things in life - cold coffee, lukewarm champagne, and overexcited women..." - Orson Welles

"You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?" - David Letterman

"Actually, this seems to be the basic need of the human heart in nearly every great crisis - a good, hot cup of coffee." - Alexander King

"Coffee is the highlight of my day. After coffee everything is downhill." - Bill Simmons

“We drank our coffee the Russian way. That is to say we had vodka before it and vodka afterwards.” ― Philip Sington, The Valley of Unknowing

“They can kill the Kennedys. Why can't they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?” ― John Swartzwelder

"Coffee is real good when you drink it it gives you time to think. It's a lot more than just a drink; it's something happening. Not as in hip, but like an event, a place to be, but not like a location, but like somewhere within yourself. It gives you time, but not actual hours or minutes, but a chance to be, like be yourself, and have a second cup." - Gertrude Stein

"Trying to hit him was like trying to drink coffee with a fork." – Willie Stargell about facing Sandy Koufax

"Mmmm! Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet shit! Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster's Choice right, but he springs for this serious gourmet shit on us! What flavor is this?" - Jules

Beatrix: How's the French? 
Joe: Slow. How's the coffee? 
Beatrix: Burnt. - Looper

"Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is shit, but, hey, I'm in a police station." - Verbal Kint

"I like cappuccino, actually. But even a bad cup of coffee is better than no coffee at all." - David Lynch

"Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?" - Albert Camus

"What do you want?" "Just coffee. Black - like my soul." - Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

"Sometimes life is merely a matter of coffee and whatever intimacy a cup of coffee affords." - Richard Brautigan

“For I have known them all already, known them all—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.” 
- T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Others

Jerry: So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her.
George: Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless. I have no speech. - Seinfeld, "The Good Samaritan"

George: She invites me up at twelve o clock at night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee, it keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think of me.
Jerry: She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.
George: She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex. - Seinfeld, "The Phone Message"

“Adventure in life is good; consistency in coffee even better.” 
― Justina Chen HeadleyNorth of Beautiful

"It's that show Friends. Ruined coffee forever." - Anthony Bourdain

"I judge a restaurant by the bread and by the coffee." - Burt Lancaster

“Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives... and to the "good life", whatever it is and wherever it happens to be.” 
― Hunter S. ThompsonThe Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman

“Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.” 
― Holly BlackIronside

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat." - Alex Levine

"Those of us that had been up all night were in no mood for coffee and donuts, we wanted strong drink. We were, after all, the cream of the national sporting press." - Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

"Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago." - Author Unknown

"Over second and third cups flow matters of high finance, high state, common gossip and low comedy. Coffee is a social binder, a warmer of tongues, a soberer of minds, a stimulant of wit, a foiler of sleep if you want it so." - Author Unknown

"Last comes the beverage of the Orient shore, Mocha, far off the fragrant berries bore. Taste the dark fluid with a dainty lip, Digestion waits on pleasure as you sip." - Pope Leo XII

"Oh my God, that is the best coffee I've ever tasted." - Walter White, Breaking Bad

"It's a sad tale, but true. The thrifty young student comes to campus in pursuit of knowledge, only to be led astray by casual sex, recreational drugs, and the sweet aromas of the roasted coffee bean." - David Adesnik

"Ken, it's a Monday. I have a perfect cup of coffee and a Danish on the way." - Harry Crane, Mad Men

"The morning cup of Cafe Noir is an integral part of the life of a Creole household. The Creoles hold as a physiological fact that this custom contributes to longevity, and point, day after day, to examples of old men and women of fourscore, and over, who attest to the powerful aid they have received through life from a good, fragrant cup of coffee in the early morning." - The Picayune Creole Cook Book (1901)

"Without my morning coffee I'm just like a dried up piece of roast goat." - Johann Sebastian Bach

"We went to Austria to train and it was so peaceful. And I love coffee and the coffee was great." - Alex Morgan

"Adventure in life is good; consistency in coffee even better." - Justina Chen, North of Beautiful

"We were so happy to be alive. There was a motel there pretty close. We had a big cup of coffee. Everybody had a room to themselves. But nobody wanted to go to bed. Everybody wanted to stay up and drink coffee and have doughnuts. We had made it. The weather was perfect when we woke up the next morning." - Rod Hundley 

"Want coffee?" "It's three thirty in the morning." "Okay. Want coffee?" - Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

"For five days, I had no sleep. None. I did not sleep. And the last day, the reason I lasted, I drank 20 Red Bulls, about 20 cups of coffee. I could not function." - Sammy Farha

"I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want  some coffee." - Adam Carolla

"The discovery of coffee has enlarged the realm of illusion and given more promise to hope." - Isidore Bourdon 

"It's cheaper than a movie, and there's free coffee." - Marla Singer, Fight Club

"I believe humans get a lot done, not because we're smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee." - Flash Rosenberg

"I think we all pray to the first cup of the day. It's a silent prayer, sung while the mind is still foggy and blue. "O Magic Cup," it might go, "carry me above the traffic jam. Keep me civil in the subway. And forgive my employer, as you forgive me. Amen." - Stewert Lee Allen

"What on earth could be more luxurious than a sofa, a book, and a cup of coffee? ... Was ever anything so civil?" - Anthony Trollope

"I hope it's a wonderful coffee shop, Jack." - Duke, Midnight Run

"In Seattle, you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running." - Jeff Bezos

"I am getting you a coffee machine. Your husband is a horrible person. He lies when he says hello. He cannot keep up with all the lies he tells. Everyone knows he is not to be trusted.
Wake up
Coffee machine on its way." - Ari Emmanuel, email to Shelli Azoff

"The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee, and I will pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun." - John D. Rockefeller

"I'd rather take coffee than compliments just now." - Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

"The morning cup of coffee has an exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce." - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. 

"Coffee first. Schemes later." - Leanna Renee Hieber

George: She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex.
Elaine: Maybe coffee was coffee.
George: Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's not coffee at twelve o'clock at night.
Elaine: Well some people drink coffee that late.
George: Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who're on twenty-four hour missle watch. - Seinfeld, "The Phone Message"

Verbal Kint: Can I get some coffee?
Dave Kujan: In a while. Let's talk about the lineup.
Verbal: I'm really thirsty. I used to dehydrate as a kid. One time it got so bad my piss came out like snot. I'm not kidding, it was all thick and gooey. - The Usual Suspects

"Stencil had called from a Hungarian coffee shop on York Avenue known as Hungarian Coffee Shop." - Thomas Pynchon, V.

"It doesn't matter where you're from - or how you feel ... There's always peace in a strong cup of coffee." - Gabriel Ba

"Tobacco, coffee, alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine, are weak dilutions. The surest poison is time." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You need some coffee, don't you?"
"Yes, I've only had a gallon." - John Grisham, The Confession

Stacks: You didn't bring any coffee?
Tommy: Do I look like a caterer? - Goodfellas

"Leaded or unleaded?" - Road House

Captain West: Commander Galloway, why don't you get yourself a cup of coffee.
Galloway: Thank you, sir, I'm fine.
Captain West: Commander, I'd like you to leave the room so we can talk about you behind your back.
Galloway: Certainly, sir. - A Few Good Men

Mr. Pink: Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've been here a long fucking time and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee, I want it filled *six* times.
Mr. Blonde: Six times. Well, what if she's too fucking busy?
Mr. Pink: The words "too fucking busy" shouldn't be in a waitress's vocabulary.
Nice Guy Eddie: Excuse me, Mr. Pink, but I think the last fucking thing you need is another cup of coffee. - Reservoir Dogs

“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”
― Dave Barry

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